Sunday, September 5, 2010

A Heart Felt Reminiscence

“I like my dad better who fondly wakes me up like the morning sun  ... I likes my dad better who melt in heart; any time I weeps...”

These lines are  borrowed from a beautiful & insightful song in my mother tongue Malayalam.

"Sooryanaay thazhuki urakkamunarthumen , Achaneyaanenikkishtam…
Njanonnu karayumbol ariyaathe urukumen achaneyaanenikkishtam"

Its three months since I lost my dad …

Without whom, I wouldn’t have had the dawn in my life …

It was he who woke me up to the tough realities in this world …
It was he who showed me the stars in the sky when I was a kid…
It was from him that I learned there are whole lots of mysteries yet to be solved…
It was he who taught me to think , think outside all the man made constraints and considerations…
It was he who taught me to appreciate the good, above & beyond the considerations of race, cast creed, religion, color ….
It was his personality that inspired me to frame my own thesis for anything tangible & intangible, for anything quantitative & qualitative...
It was his personality that inspired me to validate my theories & learn the lessons for life…

It was he who taught me that, things may not be the same as it looks & People may not be same; as they profess …

It was he who taught me, not to expect anything from anyone around… and don’t panic when you are deprived of your trust & faith…
It was he who taught me that, only myself responsible for building my life…
It was he who frowned at the excessive materialistic greed & taught me how valuable the ideals & principles in life are...

Though not spoken loudly, I could always feel the heartfelt affection that flows to me from his heart…
Like the light from the Sun which flows in abundance…

I could feel his silent weeps & restlessness, on any little disparage I ran into, in reality that was the only penalty I ever had from my dad for my mistakes…
In fact It served as the biggest motivation in my life … the motivation to repay the 'abundance of affection' I received from him… by striving hard to live up to his expectation ..
The motivation to repay the sleepless nights of my dad … by striving hard to live up to his expectation ..

The motivation to fight against all odds & come up…

Ever since he passed away; not a single day has gone without me feeling his presence …. However my eyes turn tearful & heart sobs, seeing his portrait on the wall. I feel the lonesome, in missing the one who wished & prayed in all his sincerity & honesty - for my good & good alone; as no one else in this world would have done for me.

“Ariyillenikkethu vaakkinaal achane Vaazhthumennariyilla innum.  Ezhuthumee snehaaksharangalkum appuram Anupama sankalpam achan”

[I don’t know what word can be used to praise my dad…
Beyond these letters of love, an incomparable, unparalleled ‘thought’ is my Dad ..]

I prostrate before my beloved dad’s spirit of love… affectionately & gratefully. With all my earnestly, pray to almighty for the blessing, to have this protection of his profound love in rest of my life & in my life outside the human body …. in the world unknown…

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Mt Shasta - A Travelogue

It's quite some time since we are living in Bay Area, CA, which is considered to have the best climate in United States. Here we got a balanced climate which never goes to extremes. It has neither unbearable summer nor freezing winter. This makes the snow & snowflakes quiet aliens for my kids.

Relenting to their demand we went to Mt Shasta for 2009 December holiday season. A place where you can see & feel the snow….where you can do the snow sledding & tubing, needless to say skating.
My kids were excited & pumped up…. I heard my kindergartner daughter cooking up a song & singing it the Car.
“Snowing, snowing over the mountain…
Snowing, snowing over the hills….."

I asked her to repeat the song which she readily did & I recorded it. Here’s it's as a podcast….

Going around this beautiful town where road sides & pine trees covered with snow is really an enchanting experience. Mount Shasta or “White Mountain" is located in Siskiyou County, CA and at 14,179 feet .
Apart from the natural beauty, interestingly the locality near Mount Shasta has the reputation of being a place where extraterrestrials visiting our planet...!! There are many stories, about extraterrestrial activities experienced & reported from this place. A simple search in the net will give you the details. Not sure if it’s a coincidence, that Mt Shasta is hosting a new array of 350 radio telescope dishes used by SETI - Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence, which is funded by Microsoft co-founder Paul Allen.

Nope … we didn’t get to see any extraterrestrial aliens during our stay there.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

White Roses..

My kids like the cartoon Tom & Jerry so much. If allowed they get glued to the TV/Computer for hours and hours together. It’s common sight at my home, to see them both sit side by side & keep starring at the TV/computer.

I see them enjoy the cartoon, with giggle, laugh and joyous exclamations ....'very funny' … from my 5 year old daughter & 2 year old son.
The thought that often strike me seeing their joy is “How Innocent …!! my adorable little darling ...

I don’t think anyone will differ with me in reading the innocence in kids & their action.
Incidentally let me mention that there are many references and comparison to innocence & children by many great artists & philosophers.

For instance the painting L'Innocence by famous French painter William-Adolph Bouguereau is one among them where the painter has depicted a child & a lamb as symbol of innocence.

Yet another symbol of innocence is ‘white roses’. Across the world white roses is considered as the symbol of Everlasting Innocence and Purity.

Thus the quality of innocence by any means traditionally been embodied as most adorable & admirable quality across the globe.

As I do always; my mind went around the path of defining innocence; evaluating innocence, the pros and cons of being innocent. The innocence I find in children, the appearance of a lamb, and more in to an intimate level, the characteristic of innocence in my own kids.

Is it their ability to enjoy what they do to the fullest that caused me to spot the quality innocence in my kids while they were watching the cartoon?
Or is it their ability to get involved in what they like without bothering about the surrounding?

In the net I read the definition of innocence as follows “the state of being unsullied by sin or moral wrong; lacking knowledge of evil”

For a kid it is
- Freedom from guile, cunning, or deceit.
- Lack of worldliness or sophistication..
- Freedom from harmfulness …

When I see them innocent, my love & affection grows multi fold. I love them extra for them being so innocent.

Kids are innocent for being: - not aware of the evil world around, for being naive to recognize the world of hardships, pain & sorrows, for being too pure in heart not to recognize the world hatred, the world of cunningness and deceit…..

But the ambiguity or haziness I confront is; Do I want them to be innocent always ; as they currently are?


- for them to be loved by the brighter side of the world.
- for them to be admired & adored like white roses…
- for them to be the proponents of peace & harmony and enjoy the beauty of life to the fullest.


- for them not to be too naïve to recognize the evil world around.
- for them to be smart enough, not get hurt by the hatred mongers & sophisticated fanatics.

My paradox and irony continues …

After seeing the wreckage of 9-11 in Manhattan, after seeing the battered bodies under fallen debris, When knowing that those bodies are somebody's son, husband, daughter, wife, mother, father....
How do I teach them that there is world that may pounce up on you for no fault of yours but still be brave & courageous, always focus on the brighter side around… , unless you have that virtue, you cannot defend any other ...

After seeing human remains splashed all over the streets of Mumbai & many other Cities across India, by numerous attacks of terror & bomb blast..How do I teach them that there are People unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Ignore them & forgive them…

After reading the news that a Pregnant women’s womb was slit opened by religious fanatics in Gujarat & threw the fetus in to fire; for being a in the womb of a woman belong to a specific community, How do I teach my kids that even when being the purest and innocent; world can accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives & pictures you as a threat….. but still be pure & innocent ?

When weeps of the nun who was gang raped & paraded naked in the streets of Orissa, still reverberate in my ears How do I teach my kids that even the highest degree of selfless service, sacrifice & good you do today may be forgotten by this world tomorrow, but still continue to do the good & good alone …

How do I teach you..that if you are honest & truthful, the world may cheat you, but still be honest…!

How do I teach you..that your serenity & happiness, may trigger the hatred & disgust for some , but still be happy …!!

How do I teach you..that if you are successful & triumphant in life you may make some false friends and some true enemies, but still be successful…!

How do I teach you my white roses …. carry a the abundance of peace , happiness, serenity, harmony , love within you,... continue to be the symbols of everlasting innocence & purity, carry the light of tranquility and truthfulness ....

Because , ...because it’s better to light a candle than to curse the darkness [Chinese Proverb]

Saturday, August 1, 2009


Sin & Virtue – A sinner & A Saint. How do they differ? A plain & simple answer is, anything which is not right is wrong. And any act, which results in ‘wrong’ is a sin , and the one who commits sin is a 'sinner'. Vice- versa for the 'saint'.

So what is right & what is wrong?
Has anyone defined these two terms?
Are these 2, distinct?
Mutually exclusive?
Are they as different as true & false?
Are they as distinct as black & white?
Or is there a shade of gray when we look at what is right & what is wrong?

According to me a – most acceptable and accommodating definition of ‘right & wrong’ is -

“It’s a perception a human has – based on assessment or interpretation of his/her mind, upon an existing reality.”

There is an existing reality ~
Yes … the material fact requires that there is an existing reality.

  • Someone has been robbed ….
  • Someone has been murdered …
  • Someone has been betrayed of their trust…

Robbery, murder, infidelity, betrayal, rape…. Ooops ……………..bad.

  • You share your good fortune with less fortunate’s …
  • Spend your time & energy to benefit the most needy, with out expecting anything back
  • You risk your life to save someone who is in danger … gr8888….!!

Self-sacrifice, integrity, loyalty, willingness to share & help … great.. ..Defined as right.

So a set of ‘existing realities’ around us has been categorized as right & wrong.
What’s the criterion of this classification?

I will define the right act & wrong act as follows.

  • An act or action result of which is pain, anger, hatred or anything negative, to you and/or the fellow human beings or for the nature or for the environment around is bad.
  • An act or action result of which is happiness, peace, prosperity or anything positive, to you and/or the fellow human beings or for the nature or for the environment around is good.

In short, the result of a reality, based on its outcome is categorized by human as right & wrong in broader sense. A generalization is made based on the nature of the act as right or wrong. In different societies & culture, the intensity of the right & wrong varies.

From what I have learned from my experience so far and based on my perception, I don’t find it right to go with the generalized perception of the society …

For instance, if a human help another with the intention of utilizing him for selfish gains ?

- Even though the act of doing ‘help’ is resulting in positive outcome, the malicious intent to utilizes the noble act for selfish gain make it a TAINTED VIRTUE.

How about this -if a person who is reasonably well to do financially; aspiring for a luxurious life, cheat or rob a fellow human being…..
- Motivation of this act is greed..
- An undeserving inconvenience, pain for the victim…(the depth & width of the same is undefined and varies from the financial-mental-circumstantial state of the victim.
- Momentary, materialistic pleasure for culprit.
I define this act as a SIN since it is wrong – as the output swayed towards the negative so the society does …

A mother, steal a piece of bread to feed her starving children, since she doesn’t have any other option to save their life.
- Stealing – sin & wrongful act according to the society laws, but a SACRED SIN for me… weighing the output from the act.
Let me get in to more controversial topics.

How about prostitution? A Woman/Man trade the act of sex for money ?
- There is an urge/demand for sexual pleasure from a fellow human being and there is someone to satisfy the same. And they trade it based on a financial consideration. From this perspective there is nothing wrong.
- The act of sex, the beautiful gift the nature has bestowed upon all the living creatures, for keeping the continuity of life….. Is it something to be traded like a commodity? Isn’t it diminishing the dignity of the act creation?. I think so.
- In this context of the above stated reason, I don’t see I drastically varies from the widely regarded status imposed on prostitution.

How about a male & female do sex out of natural instinct to enjoy the pleasure out of it ?
- Going by my logic of weighing the good & bad from the result of an act......, the immediate outcome from this act is definitely the pleasure & happiness. As long as the outcome ends with this - it’s a SACRED SIN.
- But if it can have the physical & emotional impact on any partners involved based on personal & social set up, it goes against my definition of sacred act.

In nutshell, I will define the ‘RIGHT & WRONG’ as follows…

    • It’s a perception one has – based on assessment or interpretation of his/her mind, upon an existing reality.
    • Interpretation - based on the outcome of the act (existing reality) & outcome weighed against the avowed & presumed - rewards
      & reprimands.

With this perspective, I meet with a lot of saints, sinners; over and above, a majority of TAINTED SAINTS & SACRED SINNERS every day , everywhere …! !


An introspection. Wher do I fall in ? How about you ?

Sunday, July 26, 2009

As I get older ..

This was meant to be posted on June 19....

Musing, as one more year pass by. I am elder by a year . As days pass by, I am getting closer to a destination. Do I know my destination? Not really, I am not comfortably convinced about where I go. Except the spiritual explanations I have come across from different spiritual & philosophical books, there is no 'one' logical definition of the final destination.
A bunch of thought have occurred to me on this topic at different point of time . I think this should be a topic of my blog, I will put it together when time permits…!

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Why do I have two KIDS ?

A person has a set of characteristics that makes him unique. No two people in this world are said to be identical. And I think it’s true. You may find people looking alike. As per a statistics there are seven people in the world who are looking alike. But similarity in looks doesn’t mean two people are identical. There ‘n’ attributes which defines a person and personality.
I was just wondering, by death of a ‘Person’, a unique entity in this world cease to exist? Or is there any way that a person’s characteristics/attributes/qualities will carried forward?. Will the next generation can have all this qualities abstracted?
Would a person continue to exist in this world after death through his/her heirs? If so how much of him/her will continue to exist? Or what percentage of this entity ‘Person’ will continue to exist?
Would a ‘Complete’ person be carried forward through his next generation? In this case what is complete?. As far as I know we don’t have a quantitative measure to evaluate the completeness of a person or personality. I cannot say 50 units of this person is carried forward through his/her first son & another 50 unit is carried forward by his/her daughter and say a person is completely represented by the next generation. Because I have no measures to say this person in his completeness is 100 unit.
Then what is the ‘Complete’ person ? A reference to ‘complete person’ reminds me the advertisement logo used by apparel company Raymond ..!! “The complete man “. In my view the reference as complete is out of place in the slogan, what they are referring to is a perfect man. These two terms ‘complete’ & ‘perfect’ are not synonyms, but in certain context the meaning can get mixed up and create an impression that both are same. When referring to a person as perfect, it’s a personality with no flaws or negatives Or in mathematical terms ; if there are maximum of ‘x’ perfection possible in a person & y in-perfection for any person ‘P(xy)’ ,where ‘x’ and ‘y’ are ‘inverse derivatives’ – what I mean is as x increases y decreases and vice versa. That is when y tends to zero (y-->0) the value of p(xy) will represent a perfect man, an angel like one; where as the inverse, when x-->0 will be a evil – devilish, (the type of politicians in India who instigate butchering & rape of most gullible in the pretext of protecting the culture, faith, religion, cast, creed … and what not … just to grab ‘power’ & ‘loot’ definitely fall in this category.) .
Ok let me not deviate. So it’s not the term perfect or perfection that I want to talk about, but the term ‘Complete’. For me the most complete entity is the universe around, the planet earth, the sun, numerous stars I see, all these are complete on its own. The next questions for me is, how do I use the completeness of these heavenly bodies to measure the completeness of human being? One unique characteristic I see with complete entities in the universe is it’s shape. All are having the shape of a sphere, round, oval, circle. I think it’s the 360 degree , which is the sign of a completeness.
So If I measure a complete person as 360( degree ), a person completeness descends from his parents & I give credits to both parents, and hence suppose maximum/minimum of 180 degree can be contributed by each parent. So with a child, you have half of your unique attributes carried forward .. or abstracted. But with 2 children, will all 360 degree of yours be depicted ? Not likely, since there is no guarantee that you will be sharing mutually exclusive attributes with your children. More over siblings tends to have many things in common so it’s very unlikely that, you as a person will have all your characteristics summed up in your two kids. But it is certain, with this logic, that a complete (360 deg ) continuation of your characteristics won’t be possible without having ‘at least’ two heirs.

So I do have two kids..... !!!!!!!!!

Q: Do I believe in what I have written above?
Ans: It’s not about belief or fact; it’s about how my mind traversed on a fine day.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

my crazy dossiers

Yup, this is my blog. Though I wanted to start one long back, didn’t get around doing it till today. I am yet to invent or define my behavioral attributes that makes it thorny to get started with anything new. Let me blame it on my DNA and move on.

When my mind is alert and vigilant; ….in occasions when I am all to myself, when my mind get to freely wander; it get stuck with such a crazy ideas & thoughts. In this mood I try to define logical relationship between the ideas/thoughts/feelings/incidents, which has no evident relationship. The relationship I try to define could be; some time statistical - an attempt to derive a pattern, some time mathematical… some time philosophical … I am not sure, I have ever been successful in doing so. But I think I haven’t always failed.

Doesn’t it sound crazy? For me too …!! on second thought....., most of the time, I find it crazy. So this blog most likely will have , such collection of my own narratives .... hence I named this blog as ‘my crazy dossiers’.
No, no… It’s not going to be insane scribbling always. Do let me know your comment.